There are so many things I struggle with in regard to M and his issues. The biggest, I think, is getting him to do what I ask WHEN I ask him to do it. I really pushes my buttons when I don't get an immediate response from him after a direction has been given. It makes me...angry. I don't want to be angry at my kid, but it's almost an ingrained response at this point.
I'm tired of threatening consequences or counting to get him to do what we want. I'm tired of the tears and yelling at night when he doesn't act like my husband wants him to, or as mentioned above, do what he has been asked to do immediately. For us, it's no big deal to make these transitions. For M, clearly, it's a huge effort.
I'm not the parent I want to be. And honestly, I'm not sure how to be that parent. I read all these books, and I understand what they are saying, but I don't know how to put these things into practice. When we're in the moment, how the hell am I supposed to put these ideas into play?
I'm sick of this life that we lead right now. I want to change it. I just don't know how.
And something else I HAVE to get off my chest is this: "You're making me mad"...how often do we say that to people, as if it's their fault that we are choosing to get angry. Yes, I believe that becoming angry about something is a choice. Nobody can make you do something you don't want to do, and that includes getting angry. So when I hear my husband say to my kid "You are making me angry" or "your behavior is making me angry" I want to say "NO! Stop! Listen to yourself. He can't make you angry unless you let him. So don't let him." But who am I to say all that when I choose to become angry too? And even mimic the words he uses.
There's so much going on lately, and I'm just overwhelmed with it. We just finished 3 sessions of psychological/education testing with M, to the tune of $1500, not covered by insurance. Thank God for flex benefits. Hubs and I go to see the psychologist who did the testing in a couple weeks for the interpretive review of her results. Until then, I'm left oscillating between wanting there to be more wrong with my kid than ADHD so that we can make sense of all these behaviors we're seeing at home and school, and wanting there to be nothing more wrong than the severe ADHD that was dx'd 5 years ago. I feel like a terrible parent for even harboring the desire for there to be more going on than "simple" ADHD.
I've been talking with our therapist for a few weeks about the possibility that M is bipolar, like me. I've tried charting his moods, but they are up and down so quickly that it's difficult. Looking closely at his behavior, I can definitely see bipolar-like behaviors clearly; but they can also be so many other things that have nothing to do with bipolar. It's fucking frustrating that I can't figure this out.
I feel like my kid is this gigantic knot of string that I have to unravel...and I'm having a hell of a time doing it. I need to figure this out. I need for my kid to better at school, to feel successful at something, somewhere. It's hard to not let this bring me down, but it does...often.
Having to wait 2 weeks to know whether there is or isn't something else going on with my is going to be difficult.
On another note, we got the sensory diet a few weeks ago and I haven't done one damn bit of it. There is just so much other stuff going on right now...this is another thing I'm not sure how to implement. I feel overwhelmed by it all. But I also know I'm doing my kid a disservice...if he'll even participate in OT stuff outside of the OT's office. There's no telling whether he'd do what I ask at all...but I should try.
I'll stop whining now...but there's so much more to this than I can even remember right this second. Don't be surprised if I come back for another round of venting.
